Shine a Little Fluorescent Lighting on the Subject

Maybe something like this has happened to you before:

You had a baby 6 weeks ago and you feel great.  Your clothes fit better and your wedding band fits again, all signs point to "time to try on the skinny jeans".  You go to put them on and suddenly you realize you gained weight in your knees because your pants refuse to pull any higher.

OR

Bathing suit season is coming up and you have been really thinking good thoughts about working out and eating well.  Despite the 25 desserts and/or fries you snuck and the 30 work outs you skipped, after all that positive thinking, you feel as though you have thought yourself thin!  You hit the shops to find the perfect suit and after grabbing an adorable red suit with polka dots you head to the dressing rooms.  The fluorescent lighting in the room is harsh and eye opening and you remember the food sneaks and the work out skips and you leave the store; vowing to fully commit to the latest juice cleanse craze.... at least for the next few days.

OR

You are a clean freak.  You are organized and "Cloroxed" in every corner of your life.  Germs and bugs and bodily fluids give you an instant headache.  You are using the magic eraser to clean crayon from the wall (left by the previous tenant.... my children only color on the walls with Color Wonder Markers, of course).  You are enjoying the state of your germ free, organized existence; and then you see them.  Bugs. They are tiny, they are brown and they are everywhere.

OR

Insert your personal "I was in the dark!" moment.


Those three things may or may not have happened to me personally.

*Although I can tell you that the bugs and I have been at war for three weeks now.  Between the baby roaches in the same drawers with my cookware, homeschooling, and breaking for Pintrest.... I've neglected the blog world.*

I'm sure, and hopeful, that you can relate.

Back on track.

I have had a few bright lights shone on a certain subject lately.  The subject of trust.  I have always said I trusted in God's will and plan for my life.  But lately, I have been "in the dark".  I thought I trusted in Gods plan in bringing us here and away from comfort.  But once we moved away from our true comfort zone the fluorescent lights started to come on, and it wasn't pretty.

I wasn't trusting God.

I was.... well, I still am, over-planning.  I plan for the highs, the lows, and the worst case scenarios.  I have back up plans for vacation "in case we get sick" "in case we forget medicines" "in case we...... insert the worst possible thing"  I've planned for it and mapped out my escape route.  In a nutshell: I didn't trust that God would REALLY be there with a "back-up" (actual) plan, when the road went left instead of right.

My plans have been wrecked and re-routed so many times its a wonder I still try to make them.  I have bought, renovated, and decorated at least 5 houses in the past year that now belong to another family.  I had planned to move to my hometown for this year of nomadic life, but here I am VERY far from familiarity.

I planned to:
Be a mother to BOYS
Be a long distance runner
Marry a lawyer
Be settled in my grown up house by 30
Wake up at 6 am
Be tan
Be really good at remembering birthdays

BUT.....

A mother to girls, a fair skinned freckled walker, married to a doctor, renting a house, fighting the alarm clock, and sending too many (but often funny) "oops I forgot your birthday" cards..... I'm where and who I was meant to be!

It might be the best thing for me.  I am in a stage of life in which I CAN'T plan.  I can't sign Bug up for Kindergarten when I wanted to, I can't be home for three VERY important-to-me baby showers.  I'm missing birthdays and Birth Days, weddings, Supper Clubs, and Bible Studies.  I can't even call Terminix Tammy on her cell to save me from the baby roaches or whatever they are!  I CAN depend on the Lord to be faithful and to keep me in the dark until his plans are revealed and made perfect.

I am LEARNING to trust in our unplanned future and the hiccups and high fives we will encounter.  I promise I will continue to remind myself of this as I stalk the MLS websites and decorate another person's house.

I'm thankful for the bugs, and the homesickness, and the longings for comfort because they keep the lights on and my eyes focused..... albeit, sometimes tearful.  

Another Day. Another Doctor.

Today we had our first appointment at our new/temporary Endocrinologist.

*Let me start by saying: we were spoiled by our hospital before.  Everyone knew us.  We could park right outside the door.... for free.  We had a personal and ongoing relationship with our Endocrinologist.  We were spoiled.*

Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone intending to be helpful, resulting in them sounding condescending.  In the sense that she is trying; truly and earnestly trying to be helpful and, I believe, means well on all fronts.  However, she still manages to just totally annoy you and crush your positive attitude in a matter of minutes.  This happened today.  

Don't feel sorry for me... I just need an outlet

For starters we got there early... built-in time for me to get lost.  Aside from the giant parking deck and limited parking spots, everyone  else was very helpful and efficient.  My husband met us in the lobby and helped me navigate through his new workplace.  We only waited about 15 minutes after checking in, and then we were in a room, seeing the nurses, getting all the labs done, and then seeing the Nurse Practitioner soon after.  Up until this point I was very impressed.

My husband was with me, dressed in his "I work here as a doctor" costume, so it seemed that everyone was confident in our abilities to care for Bug and make the "life and death" decisions that we have been called to make.  About thirty minutes into our "chat" with the APN, things started to get ugly for the almost 2 year old in a room full of things "you can't touch!", so Dad stepped in and took Peanut to the hallway.  

Then, the APN started to address me, instead of the man in the green scrubs.  At this point, I realized.... "She has been talking to him the whole time!  And she is seriously underestimating me..... I shouldn't have worn such giant earrings."

She started to quiz me:

APN: "When is a blood sugar considered low?"

Me: "80 or below"

N: "Good.  Ok, now.... how do you check for keytones?" (talking really slow, with a lot of hand motions)

Me: .... lengthy but adequate answer (not worth re-typing)

N: "Ok... good job.  Now, what do you do if she has high keytones?"

Me: (taking note of how she was holding her sheet so I couldn't see her "answers" as she looked at me with that "wait for it.... I hope she says the right thing........" kind of a look) I answered appropriately and almost followed with...."I'm sorry Nancy, are you quizzing me?!"

I showed restraint.

This went on for about 10 more minutes. At the end of the pop quiz, which I of course passed, she handed me a huge book and said I would find some helpful information in there, like meal planning and how to keep my kid on a schedule so she doesn't snack all day.  To which I replied, "Thank you, I really appreciate your time."  

I really wanted to tell her.... "Honey, I got this.  All day every day.  Eat. Sleep. Pray. Check Blood Sugar. Repeat.  Now give me our A1C and my next appointment date."

I'm venting. 

I'm thankful for Nancy and her thorough explanations and educating.  And no, Nancy is not her real name.  I know there are some parents who need and depend on the Nancy's.  

However, she did nothing but stress me when she told me we should start seeing other specialists in the next year to check eyes, feet, etc.... which will bring Bug's doctor total up to 4.  

And again when it was suggested we subject Peanut to needles and blood draws to see "what our chances are".  

And another time when the idea was pressed that we let the Continuous Blood Glucose Monitor take over for the 2 am sugar check uncertanties.  

At this point my husband, had returned to the room, and said, "we can do this.  we don't mind getting up at 2am every night.  This works for us."  I interrupted him.... apologies.... and said, "We have too much going on right now.  There is so much that is uncertain in our lives with the moving and the new job and this little sister, and the upcoming year with a different job and another move!.... this pump and system work for us.... we are not adding another machine right now."  She could sense my mood as we entered the second hour of the appointment, and she decided that we could "wait 'till next time to talk with the Psychologist."

Maybe I should make a solo appointment for that bit next time.

3 hours had passed.... we were back to the car and navigating our way home (easier said than done these days).  

My husband said not to worry about the quiz master and that I was doing a good job.  

I AM doing a good job.  I'm thankful, and up for the challenge!  

I am also thankful for reminders that I hate diabetes and and I hate dealing with it.   

Reminders that we need a cure.... no matter how comfortable and capable we are when it comes to doing life with a thorn in our side.

For another take on thankfulness..... check this out... from a fellow sugar savvy mama.

Stranger Negotiations

Bug is the QUEEN of negotiating and making bad ideas seem like great ideas.

Me: "It's time for bedtime snack and then off to bed"
Bug: "Well, Mom.... Here's the thing.... I was actually thinking..... maybe I should watch a little show while I have my snack because that will help me calm down and relax before I get into bed"

*All the while, she is using big hand motions, eyebrows, head nodding... the whole bit.  Just think 'Shirley Temple with straighter hair' and you've got it*

And, you guessed it.... I LET HER DO IT!  She's too good.  Entirely too smart for me already in the department of negotiating.

However, I stick to my guns where it counts.

Our latest point of contention: "Don't talk to strangers."

My first born was truly made for outreach.  We just moved to a town where we know no one, and it has yet to phase her.  Every playground, every restaurant, every hospital staff picnic.... she literally walks up to kids and adults she has never met with open arms, gives a huge hug and says, "Hey! I'm .....! We should probably be friends."  (*again with the hands and the head nodding and the eyebrows*)

This is entirely out of my comfort zone.  I'm not introverted by any means, but it usually takes me at least 6 days of knowing someone to hug upon arrival.

All of this will eventually lead us to the subject of strangers.

A few weeks ago, we went to a beach; where again, we knew no one.  My husband was walking down the beach with Peanut and I was sitting in a chair watching Bug play in the water about 15 yards away.  I watched a lady with a baby walk up to where Bug was playing.  Here is how the scene played out:

Bug: "Oh, hey! How are you guys?  I like your baby!" (as she begins to pet the baby's leg)
Lady: "Oh hi.  What's your name?"
Bug: "My name is ...... My sister's name is ...... We live in ..... We just moved from ......  My daddy is a Radiologist at the hospital and my dog's name is Hamilton.  He's a really nice dog." (*I'm watching with my mouth wide open.... is she going to give her a key to our house next?!)
Lady: "Oh wow, that's exciting."
Bug: "Yeah, we are visiting here to the beach.  I like it a lot." (*and at this point I start to make my way over to the three of them as I watch Bug start to hug this random lady, who by the way looks slightly uncomfortable and glad to see that this crazy kid has an adult along for the ride)

Granted, she was a 'mommy' and was holding a baby; but the fact remains: She was alone and we do not know her!

Bug has:

opened hotel doors to people she doesn't know
shared personal information with strangers
invaded countless personal spaces upon introduction
interrupted many meals in restaurants
and
gotten me and my husband into quite a few awkward situations with other adults by walking up to them and introducing us to them.... "Hi, I like your dress! (touching random lady's dress)  This is my mother...."

We have been talking about strangers for months now.  After the beach moment we revisited the issue immediately.  After a lot of head nodding and "yes sir-ing", we seemed to reach an understanding.  Then we asked, "So what should you do if you are not with Mom or Dad, and someone you don't know walks up to you, or speaks to you; should you speak to them?"

We held our breath.

Bug: "No....  (*sigh of relief from the parents).....

"BUT if they are nice and holding babies or puppies, or food or something, then it's probably OK because they are nice and won't hurt me or take me away"

Ohymyword.
Am I on "Candid Camera: After School Special Edition"?!
She is negotiating.  She is trying to make strangers seem like a good idea!

I pulled out all the stops and went into detail about the whole issue of kidnapping......

Me: "sometimes strangers take you away from Mommy and Daddy"
Bug: "oh that might be fun! I would get to visit a new place!"
Me: "No!  It would not be fun!  They don't feed you.  You don't take a bath. You don't get to play with friends or hug Mommy and Daddy.  And sometimes they hurt you and don't give you band aids.  And they definitely don't give you back to your families."

Seems harsh, but we were getting desperate.  My husband jokingly suggested letting her watch the movie Ransom.... But we aren't quite that desperate yet.

After the conversation that I thought would give her nightmares, we went to a park.  20 minutes into our visit I look over and Bug is having a lovely conversation with an adult foreign woman who doesn't speak very good English.  They are giggling and smiling and also about 30 yards away from me; just out of ear shot.

I'm watching.
Suddenly, a light comes on and Bug shoots me a look.... eyes wide open, eyebrows up, mouth open.... she realized: she was talking to a stranger!  A breakthrough!

And then the woman said something "funny" in broken Engilsh and the "ah-ha!" moment was gone.... the lovely conversation resumes.  I call Bug over and (overreact) as I wonder if my next step will be hiring those people who kidnap you just for the thrill of it...?  Have you heard of this?  I saw a 60 Minutes about it one time.

After consulting a few of the wise Mommies in my life, I settled on "The Berenstain Bears: Don't Talk to Strangers" book.

It works!  I had my doubts.  After all the "heart to heart" moments we had on the subject, what more can these bears in overalls have to say?!

Needless to say, we have read it a lot and the point has been made and seemingly received.

Thankfully, her welcoming spirit, acceptance, and love for all mankind is still in tact and everyone we meet is still her new best friend.  However, a new sense of caution has been instilled in her little brain, thanks to Mama and Papa Bear.



Now on to the next issue:
She just told me, as I was typing the post, that last night "I had a taste of Daddy's wine that he left on the counter.  It tasted pretty good to me!"
"Berenstain Bears Don't Drink From the Funny Shaped Glasses?"
I doubt there is a book for that one

Found!

Found:

self

family

clarity

We are here!  At our next temporary location.

We arrived two weeks ago (after a dramatic move both in the air and on the road), safely here to our lovely little rent house.  After three months of blog vacation.... with a few cheats to catch up on some friends' blogs.... I feel more like myself.  At least, I feel more like the self I have always hoped to be.  My focus has been shifted; less on self and approval (although still a daily struggle) more on my God, my family, and my legacy.

My kids have given me THE hardest time in EVERY realm possible (sleeping, respect, eating, obedience, etc) since we left our tiny house three months ago, but through our struggles with each other I have seen just how much we need each other.  God made me a parent to these two crazy kids because I am called to raise them and guide them as he guides and gives me wisdom on the subject.  I know there will be other callings in life, but today in this stage of life, it's all about our little family of four.

My husband always reminds me to not let other peoples plans and thoughts dictate how we run our family, and being here away from all our people, maybe, hopefully, it will be easier to get into that habit.

I hope this doesn't come across selfish or self righteous... (same thing?).... but the reality is; we lost our sense of family somewhere in the last year, and already after two weeks, it's back.  I'm sad we had to move "two days driving distance" away for us to find it, but I'm thankful all in the same breath.

Glad to be back.
ahp

In Pursuit of Clarity and Salt

As the days pass and the big move approaches, my brain seems to be stretched and my creativity cramped.

I have decided to take a leave of absence from the blog world.

Reading
Writing
Thinking about

Since leaving our humble home I have felt homesick; missing the comforts of my scheduled and predictable life, my couch, my organized hall closet, and my kids at the kitchen table.
I have felt thankful to be loved and cared for in a new home with more space and activity than I could dream of.
I have felt overwhelmed by my ever changing feelings on the subject of leaving the city we have made home for 5 years.
I have felt pushed and pulled by God to spend more time in "quiet"; no talking, no typing, no tears or questions.  Only listening ears and an open mind.
I have felt led down different paths... not every path leading back to where we are now.

Until a later date when I am feeling smarter, settled, and saltier.
Thanks for reading.


"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. "He who has ears to hear, let him hear."
Luke 14:34-35

A Lesson in Uprooting

We have officially sold our house!  We closed the deal and removed a few keys from our key chains on Friday. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry about something every day for the two weeks leading up to the closing date.

Now that all is said and signed I'm feeling a bit like an expert on the issue of selling a small house inhabited by two kids under 4, a 60 pound animal, and two adults.  We put our house on the market on a Monday.  The first showing was two days later and our house was shown every day for the next two weeks; and most days it was shown twice in one day.  We were home long enough to make a mess, sleep, eat, and clean up before the next showing.  Through it all, amazingly enough, my house stayed clean and tidy.  I have a few friends in our same position (selling a house while raising small messy people), and they have asked if I had any tips now that I'm on the other side of it.

Glad you asked.

1) Listen to your real estate agent.
Our agent told us to rearrange the furniture to make the room look bigger, take a few furniture items out, minimize the "kid" spread around the house, de-bulk the closets and cabinets, and take almost everything off the kitchen counters.
We got a storage unit and loaded it up with all things holiday decor, fine china, outgrown baby clothes and toys, and kitchen appliances I could live without for a few weeks.  Suddenly our house started to feel bigger and slightly less like my space.

2) Clean up!
Every night before we went to bed I made sure things were put away: laundry, dishes, toys, clothes, shoes, etc; basically any and every thing that was usually left out at the end of a long day.  The things you pass on your way to bed as you say, "I'll get that in the morning".
I learned the hard way that sometimes Pearl from the agency will call at 8:30 A.M. asking if someone can show your house in an hour.  I calmly told her "of course! thanks a bunch, Pearl!" as I looked at my kitchen table covered with breakfast and crayons, and then the sink full of dishes from dinner the night before, and finally our dining table covered in unfolded laundry; all to the tune of loud little voices still dressed in pajamas and neediness.
An hour, and two episodes of whatever was on the Disney Channel at that moment, later my kids were dressed, my house was clean, my blinds up and lights on.... my brain totally fried.
I loaded the kids and the dog into the car and we disappeared for an hour.

3) Pray
The day of our first showing felt like a first date.  Very clearly I remember standing in our door way, breathing fast and sweating (despite the below freezing temperatures that day) I looked into my house, shut my eyes tight and prayed out loud that someone would "love this house as much as we do and feel at home and at peace when they walk through this door".  Ten days later, the person that had come that day (and two other times after that) made an offer on our house, and is now the proud owner.


4) Get a routine
Whatever works for you in the clean up ritual, make it a routine so you don't even have to think about it when Pearl calls.  For me it was kitchen first, then bedrooms and bathrooms, and last pick up toys.  I usually put the girls in the car and then went back in the house to do a quick run with the Swiffer mop equivalent and pick up the toys they got out as we were walking out the door.

5) Light a Candle
I lit a candle every night after dinner. Also as soon as Pearl would call and I began my clean up ritual, I would light a candle.  After the 30 minutes of tidying up, the house smelled great.



I still can't believe our house is no longer ours.  I am so thankful it all went so fast, but I can't escape my homesickness.  My systematic mornings, organized cabinets, and overall familiarity.  I told my husband, through tears, the other night that I just "wanted to get something out of the hall closet!"  It sounds so bizarre and so simple, but I love my space and my comfort.  While I now have a new lovely space and every comfort imaginable the newness of our uprooting will take some getting used to.  I am finding it hard to settle and organize now in the month of March because in three short months the uprooting continues.... and a year from that date, again!

With the roots I have been laying, I hope there is a place out there with a big enough hole for me to fill, and I hope it shows it's face sooner rather than later.

What a Difference a Day.... or a Month Makes

Since I posted last a number of things have gone on surrounding our little family.

We are weeks from moving out of our adorable house with the yellow door and white picket fence.  It took all of 10 days (and three separate visits I might add) for someone else to decide that there was a shared love for this little dwelling.  We haven't closed and handed over keys just yet, so I don't like to say that we have "sold" it.... but rather, we are in a very serious relationship: past the point of dating, bought the rings, but haven't quite said our vows and made the full commitment.  We have, however, been given the go ahead from our realtor that it is safe to pack it up.  (*Entire blog post dedicated to "how to sell your house and pack it up in one month while you have two small and busy children running everywhere" coming soon)  All that to say, we are moving out and across town to a lovely "apartment" on the second level of my in-laws house.  Our complex comes complete with lovely people that will babysit for free, a playground, and a swimming pool next door.  Needless to say, I am ecstatic about our 3 month stint in between homes.

My children have cycled through a number of colds.  This is not surprising but it has kept us home from church and bible study, and it has moved Kleenex and Lysol to the top of the grocery list.  Boring, but for the sake of full disclosure, it's something I've "been up to" lately.

I celebrated my birthday as long as I possibly could.  My parents came to town the weekend before my birthday and treated me to food, shopping, and the U-HAUL store which came at the perfect time, as I had been feeling anxious about leaving and moving away from familiarity.  Then on my actual birthday, I went through our usual Wednesday motions, except for ballet class; it was raining, so I let Bug watch a movie and eat (*100 calorie/low carb) popcorn instead.  My husband took me to get sushi for dinner, to a place we have kept sacred and safe from our food slinging, Wet One requiring crew.  We ate entirely too much and came home to watch reality TV: American Idol to be specific.... very much a guilty pleasure of mine.  The following weekend, I was treated to a night out with about 20 of my favorite people.  Everyone was wearing sequins and my husband surprised us with a huge Escalade Limo situation that drove us all over town and provided an endless amount of opportunities for "songs from college sing-a-longs".  It was truly the greatest birthday I've celebrated to date.  A huge big 30 year old hug to everyone that made it all possible!

The Sunday after my birthday, one of my favorite people finally made it home.  She was glamorous, loving, hilarious, hospitable, faithful, tough, smart, and comforting; all the while carrying the perfect handbag.  She was so much more than just kind words, she was also my grandmother, and the matriarch or our family.  If you remember, in December we were able to celebrate her on her 90th birthday.  I am so very thankful for the time we were all able to have with her and that we will all be able to remember her in her fabulous silver suit and heels, surrounded by almost all of her great grandchildren as she blew out the candles on her birthday cake and toasted champagne.

As I flew home, still dressed in my go-to, albeit adorable, black dress for funerals, I realized that for the first time in a long time I felt braver somehow about entering the Kingdom of Heaven.  I've never been afraid of dying, because I am confident in my final destination, but I've always thought about it as if I were a 5 year old going over to a new friend's house for a play date.  Nervous to walk up to the door by myself and meet new people, but thankful that my mom would walk with me to ring the doorbell.  It suddenly seems less intimidating to be greeted by Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven, because I know my Nanie will be right behind him with open arms, a huge smile, and a "welcome home, Honey!" followed by a little giggle and a big squeeze.  I just hope they let her wear the same perfume, she always smelled so good.

She will be missed, but fondly remembered every day.

We are ready to take on March and the allergies that come with Spring, as we pack our lives into categorized boxes and prepare for a move and a time of uncertainty.