Maybe something like this has happened to you before:
You had a baby 6 weeks ago and you feel great. Your clothes fit better and your wedding band fits again, all signs point to "time to try on the skinny jeans". You go to put them on and suddenly you realize you gained weight in your knees because your pants refuse to pull any higher.
Bathing suit season is coming up and you have been really thinking good thoughts about working out and eating well. Despite the 25 desserts and/or fries you snuck and the 30 work outs you skipped, after all that positive thinking, you feel as though you have thought yourself thin! You hit the shops to find the perfect suit and after grabbing an adorable red suit with polka dots you head to the dressing rooms. The fluorescent lighting in the room is harsh and eye opening and you remember the food sneaks and the work out skips and you leave the store; vowing to fully commit to the latest juice cleanse craze.... at least for the next few days.
You are a clean freak. You are organized and "Cloroxed" in every corner of your life. Germs and bugs and bodily fluids give you an instant headache. You are using the magic eraser to clean crayon from the wall (left by the previous tenant.... my children only color on the walls with Color Wonder Markers, of course). You are enjoying the state of your germ free, organized existence; and then you see them. Bugs. They are tiny, they are brown and they are everywhere.
Insert your personal "I was in the dark!" moment.
Those three things may or may not have happened to me personally.
*Although I can tell you that the bugs and I have been at war for three weeks now. Between the baby roaches in the same drawers with my cookware, homeschooling, and breaking for Pintrest.... I've neglected the blog world.*
I'm sure, and hopeful, that you can relate.
Back on track.
I have had a few bright lights shone on a certain subject lately. The subject of trust. I have always said I trusted in God's will and plan for my life. But lately, I have been "in the dark". I thought I trusted in Gods plan in bringing us here and away from comfort. But once we moved away from our true comfort zone the fluorescent lights started to come on, and it wasn't pretty.
I wasn't trusting God.
I was.... well, I still am, over-planning. I plan for the highs, the lows, and the worst case scenarios. I have back up plans for vacation "in case we get sick" "in case we forget medicines" "in case we...... insert the worst possible thing" I've planned for it and mapped out my escape route. In a nutshell: I didn't trust that God would REALLY be there with a "back-up" (actual) plan, when the road went left instead of right.
My plans have been wrecked and re-routed so many times its a wonder I still try to make them. I have bought, renovated, and decorated at least 5 houses in the past year that now belong to another family. I had planned to move to my hometown for this year of nomadic life, but here I am VERY far from familiarity.
I planned to:
Be a mother to BOYS
Be a long distance runner
Marry a lawyer
Be settled in my grown up house by 30
Wake up at 6 am
Be really good at remembering birthdays
A mother to girls, a fair skinned freckled walker, married to a doctor, renting a house, fighting the alarm clock, and sending too many (but often funny) "oops I forgot your birthday" cards..... I'm where and who I was meant to be!
It might be the best thing for me. I am in a stage of life in which I CAN'T plan. I can't sign Bug up for Kindergarten when I wanted to, I can't be home for three VERY important-to-me baby showers. I'm missing birthdays and Birth Days, weddings, Supper Clubs, and Bible Studies. I can't even call Terminix Tammy on her cell to save me from the baby roaches or whatever they are! I CAN depend on the Lord to be faithful and to keep me in the dark until his plans are revealed and made perfect.
I am LEARNING to trust in our unplanned future and the hiccups and high fives we will encounter. I promise I will continue to remind myself of this as I stalk the MLS websites and decorate another person's house.
I'm thankful for the bugs, and the homesickness, and the longings for comfort because they keep the lights on and my eyes focused..... albeit, sometimes tearful.