Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Well, it's still Winter. Such a season of waiting.
I feel like there are so many things coming soon... warmth, sweat, shorts, vacations, home buying, moving, birthday parties, Kindergarten, re-entry into our old life; which could also be considered as just plain entry into our new life. But for now, we just wait.
My college roommates used to give me a hard time because as soon as I was ready to go, (class, dinner, anywhere) I would wait impatiently... standing at the door looking at my watch or shouting from the living room "I'M ready. Are y'all ready yet?!" Rude, yes. Selfish, childish, slightly controlling...?
A few days ago I was praying about a few things that have been "laid on my heart", as they say. I laid it all out there, asking for direction and I did the 'sit and wait quietly with your eyes closed and no music or noise or anything' thing, in hopes to have this major revelation of purpose. Like the TV would miraculously come on and the news reporter would look at me and tell me exactly what to do, or my dog would run in the room holding a blue sock in his mouth and that would suddenly mean something to me and I would have a new sense of purpose.
I sat and waited. I WAITED. It required much discipline to push out thoughts of a nap, laundry and dinner service. It also required much discipline to push out "visions" I was making up myself: "oh! I'm sitting at a fabulous dinning table in a comfortable home with all my friends and we are watching our kids play in my new backyard...." You get the idea.
Twenty minutes in, I heard it. Loud and clear, undeniable. "WAIT."
I was so annoyed. I am so annoyed. I want to plan and expect and dream. I want to make labels and organize and write new events on my calendar. I even tried to start packing boxes for our move in 4 months, but I can't. We still need the few hundred things we brought with us.
We have so many people in our lives right now that have been struck by something major: surgery, death, stroke, illness, new babies, new relationships, new pregnancies and we have to wait to be a part of the healing, the mourning, the welcoming, the meeting, and the growth. Waiting to renew friendships, waiting to meet the neighbors and the school friends. Waiting to see who, what, where, when, why, and how.
I made an appointment with our diabetes team back home for July, after we have moved back, and I'm pretty sure I've talked more about that one event more than I talked about my child starting to crawl. If that gives you any idea of how much security I find in the art of planning ahead.
Whether I actually like it or not; I said send me and I will go and God said "wait".
I'm definitely not wishing away our time here in the waiting place. We have a nice house, a great church and lovely people in our midst, but the calendar and the countdown brings mixed emotions. We have just a few more months of our taste of anonymity and minding our own business, and as we love and treasure that; we somehow still long for the hometown and to be known on every grocery aisle.
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Psalm 30:18
Now, hurry up and go wait for something!