Friday, February 3, 2012
Selfishly Seeking Safety in Sameness
I function best when I have a schedule and can know what to expect. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am "high control", but I do like to know the who, what, where, when, and hows in most situations. I find safety in sameness and I care very little if anyone finds that boring. I'm actually far from boring, and if you read this blog, you know this to be true. I'll save my character evaluation for a later date. Today, I tackle a bigger issue; the issue bringing me to tears almost every day without warning. It's such a small thing; in fact, one might say it's silly that it upsets me so.... but I digress.
There is hardly an area of my life in which things remain the same. I take that back. My dog; he still "does his business" outside, eats at night, barks at anything with feet, and sleeps on my floor. But other than that, nothing is safe anymore.
I've mentioned that we are moving. Our house has been on the market for almost two weeks and we have had so much activity and interest, which is great, an answered prayer even. However, I find that we are home just long enough to eat, sleep, and then clean up the mess we made in that short amount of time, before we have to leave for another stranger to come to our house. They will walk around our rooms and look at our pictures...... If you are getting the sense that I am not comfortable with unidentified people roaming my dwelling, you're right! Did they wash their hands when they came in? What did they touch? Did they look in our refrigerator, or dishwasher, or washer/dryer? Did they sit anywhere? It sounds crazy, I know, but I just love my space and home.... judge as you will. The random roamers are not really the issue. I just don't feel ready to move on yet. Basically, I keep picturing me in our empty house, sitting on the floor holding one final box and having a movie moment, while I play a montage of memories in my head; from buying our first house, to throwing really great parties, to bringing home a baby, bringing home diabetes, and then bringing home another baby, and ALL the good and bad that fell in between. Tears are inevitable.
Another change worth mentioning is that with February 1, comes the beginning of my birth month. I have said before that because my actual birthday falls in the middle of the month, I like to stretch it out through out the entire month. This birth month, I will be 30. THIRTY. Honesty 2012: I have grey hair, wrinkles, and every time I add a new pilates "move" to my routine or another block to my route, I suffer for about a week. However, I can honestly say that I prefer my brain, maturity, and confidence level at this age much more than that of me at 25 so I'll take the good with the "bad". (I actually happen to like my gray hair... it's super shiny and thick, so when I decide to quit coloring it, I'll call Dove and audition for the "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" type campaign they will be running).
A few others:
-Bug is determined to do everything "BYMYSEEEEEEEEELLLFFFFF!" which adds about 10 minutes to every action.
-Peanut has learned to almost run... just fast enough to get away from me when she's holding my tea cup full of hot tea, as it spills and sloshes..... which is annoying because of 3 reasons: I'm afraid she will burn herself, I have to make another cup of tea, and now there is a new mess to clean before the next potential buyer comes to visit. You're wondering how she got a hold of it....
-Peanut has also learned to climb on the dining table in a split second, so nothing is safe there anymore
-My husband has begun studying for Radiology Boards, which means there is a bit of added stress to his day, AND he takes the laptop to work almost daily.... woe is me, I know.
-My hair is now 10 inches shorter
-The weather is totally unpredictable
-I didn't get to sign Bug up for K4 at her pre school next Fall
-My friends are pregnant (which means while we are gone, there will be new people created that I will have to wait to know later, instead of upon arrival)
-My family members are moving and starting new jobs and overall.... going further away from a comfortable driving distance.
I'll be the first to admit that it's all selfish. I know it is. If we get to move back to our little town after our gig in North Carolina, I'm afraid it will all be changed....different: new homes, new kids, new schools, new jobs, new spouses, new friends, new restaurants and shops, and so on. I know we won't be left behind or forgotten because we are too pushy for that. But I would be lying if I said that I don't often think, "What if they all figure out that they don't miss us?! And they get along just fine when we are away?" Which I know is not possible..... who else would remind you to clean the public high chair, wash your hands before you fix my dinner, or to not be afraid to wear heels or sequins during the day time?
I've already told our supper club that they are not allowed to replace us, so that area is covered. All the rest of you, consider this your warning..... don't go changing on me too much! And if you must go on living your lives, just make sure I'm aware of it so I can start dealing as soon as possible.
Have a great weekend!
*disclaimer: In no way is this a ploy to get you all to tell me that you'll miss us.... although, it is allowed.